We appear to have bought into a belief that if someone disagrees with you on controversial matters, the best option is to avoid the topic or even avoid the person. There may be times for these measures, such as when you know the conversation will end in a screaming match. What if we refine our approach and learn new ways to engage those who hold opposing views in theology, politics, and social dynamics with love and grace? I found these guides grounded in God's principles helpful in my own relationships. I call them the "4 C's": Composure Children learn to regulate emotions beginning at the age of 2 to 3 years old. I discovered we never stop learning to regulate our emotions. Our aim is to remain emotionally grounded and not allow fear, anger, or defensiveness to take over so that we can remain in the moment and listen. "Is my heart for this person or for my point?" Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath." How does one give a gentle answer? By having a non-anxious presence and regulating one's emotions. By taking deep breaths. By truly caring for the person. This leads us to the second "C".
Curiosity Seek to understand not only "what" the person is saying, but also the "why". When we debate points, the engagement can go on for hours. Therein lies the problem. Usually, there's more than the issue on the table. More than a stance. There's a story. Be authentically curious about how and why they came to the belief. With humility and avoiding assumptions, summarize back to them what you've heard. James 1:19 tells us, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak." Two ears and one mouth is how I learned this truism. Rather than pontification, ask great open-ended questions like, "What experience led you to this viewpoint?" My favorite is "Say more about this." Clarity Clarity is the practice of controlling your tongue while speaking with honesty and simplicity. This is the opposite of escalating the conversation using exaggerations (i.e. "You always...", "You never...", etc.), labels, and strawman arguments, which is to twist and misrepresent a point made by the other party to win an argument. Clarity seeks to complete the two-way understanding. Rather than “winning," we are trying to dialogue. As it has been said, no one became a Christian by losing a debate. Clarity is a product of truth, composure, and compassion with honest engagement. Compassion The final "C" is compassion, and this one is powerful. We become like bulls seeing red when an issue comes up, ready to roll our sleeves up rather than seeing a brother or sister in Christ. We want to win more than anything. Compassion brings the temperature down. You're more concerned about this person first rather than winning the argument. One does not need to compromise their stance and conviction, and the relationship holds even with disagreement. Compassion retains honor, respect, and dignity with someone you disagree with. Cathy and I argue a lot. Sometimes I catch myself when this devolves into disrespect rather than disagreement. Stop. Pause. Reconnect with the person and recognize they are valuable and have a heart. Colossians 3:12 commands us to "Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility..." Relationship is the win.
We need tools like these in times when the room temperature is warm with hot issues. In a church like RBCPC, love needs to hold even when we disagree. This is glorifying to God and healthy for the church. I hope that these 4 C's help to give tools to negotiate these obstacles together. Bless you and your household, friends. In Christ, Pastor Jason