A Valentine’s Day Message to the Husbands

Cathy was tired from jet lag during our honeymoon, so I ventured out to golf at the nearby course in Hawaii. A group of older men asked me what brought me to Hawaii, and I told them I was on my honeymoon. These elderly married men chuckled and told me the secret to a good marriage was to listen and to always say "sorry" often. Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, have revolutionized the study of marriage and relationships with five decades of research. Dr. John Gottman first caught my attention when he shared his famous "Four Horsemen" of marriage: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Another key finding stood out: marriages flourish when husbands are willing to accept influence from their wives. "In a long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, we discovered that men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce." When men are willing to yield to their wives and be influenced, the outcome is a win-win for both. Society might hint to us that marital happiness comes from a husband who can buy his wife diamonds, lavish travel, or a beautiful home. But the Gottmans' research says that happy couples are those who mutually influence each other. (By the way, apologies to any wife who was hoping I would encourage husbands to buy diamond jewelry this Valentine’s Day.) The Gottmans remind us that the strength of a marriage is not built on grand gestures, but humility and grace. A happy marriage comes from the husband and wife who develop emotional intelligence to listen, yield, and allow themselves to be shaped by one another. This is very consistent with Scripture, which commands the husband and wife to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). This Valentine’s Day, celebrate the love of your life with flowers, dinner, and a romantic getaway, but perhaps the best gift doesn't cost a dime: A teachable heart that cultivates unity, deepens love, and brings lasting strength to the home is priceless and rewarding. This is God’s design for marriage and His desire for your family. I pray that joy may fill your home and your marriage may flourish for years to come! Growing with you! Pastor Jason Ko